To Love and Lose
by Animalluver
Summary: ShiShi. One-shot. I stand by you, my love. I can't live without you. Ever.


**This is dedicated to DragonRose888 (AKA ****Wonnykins)**

**and what pwnsomeness she does. I only discovered her recently. Oh, yeah, this is influenced from her story **_**Arsonists' Waltz.**_

**Aaaaand… HOLY MOSES! I'm writing yaoi! Of course, Wonnykins made me have the urge. And AnimeDutchess, I'm waaaay influenced by you too!**

_To Love and Lose_

Of course it has been a while. To see that boyish face again, now, how would one forget? To see that sweet, lovable tanned skin. So smooth to the touch. Perhaps… maybe… it has been worthwhile. I didn't lose you in regret. I see the most handsome black hair in front of your eyes. I… I see the white sheet covering your body too. And the blood stains on your face. To see your helpless body, it wasn't in vain. I _do_ love you; but maybe Heaven says no.

To love.

I can only think of the good times, Ash. I can only remember far, far back. I can think of when I said my words. You liked it. Of course you did. Did you always like me? Yes, of course. Did I? I always loved you. The perpetually everlasting love for you. I can't let go of memories. To see you… it will drive me insane.

Yes… but the memory. Why mustn't it just leave? Like red leaves disappear when the white, cold, soft snow and wind breaks upon our land. Like when steam rises in the air and vanishes. The memory… it won't go. To see my one and only in this horrid place.

To lose.

I see good. When we stared at the moon together that night. I could feel your warm body against mine. At first you thought this was because we were friends. That wasn't true. You looked at me, Ash. I looked at you. I couldn't sustain it anymore - I grabbed your face and kissed you. You kissed me back. You pushed back my light brown hair and kissed me in hunger. I didn't know you were hungry for me. I was ravenous, however. Did you not notice my playful hints and gestures when we were kids? Ash, I loved you. And you do too. I know you do.

To love.

It was out of control. I had no idea we'd get so far. I kissed you harder and harder. You kissed me more hungrily, like a beggar eating warm bread. Then I heard the crack.

To lose.

I saw you look into my eyes, Ash. As if you saw pain but love. I looked closely. All this time I was carrying a gun? I brought nothing but torture upon myself. Yet… yet… was it for love?

To love.

I shall torture myself for you; for what pain I've caused you. I want to be with you forever Ash! Oh, what pain have I caused you? To live in a world where love of your own kind is not allowed. I was the weak one. I was fearing punishment from Grandpa, and I was fearful for you too.

I remember the sirens after a while. You were breathing faintly, and the low whispers of the paramedics in concern echoed through the night. I ran. Escaped, to never face you.

To lose.

Ash, I came for you. Yet you still remain attached in this machine, lifeline on edge. I grasp your almost lifeless hand, crying tears for you. I am a monster. I have brought pain.

To love.

Doctors rush in, electrifying you just so you could have another life. I hear nothing but urgent yells. My mind was in a tizzy - I didn't understand what was going on. I heard a disappointed murmur from a nurse.

To lose.

My heart pounded when the doctor told me. Ash, my love, dead. No more! No more! I could not savor in sweet memories! I must see you! I ignore the plea that the doctor makes and I see you. You aren't covered up. The nurses and doctor whisper, as they leave. Good. I must… stay behind with you.

To love.

I shan't leave. I can't live without you. You are my life. My rival. My body. Soul. Love. I climb on the bed beside you. I may not go to the place you are, but I can't face what horror I have brought. The police will found out someday. I rest my hand beside you, and I close my eyes. I do not know how, but my soul lifted high.

Of course it has been a while. To see that boyish face again, now, how would one forget? To see that sweet, lovable tanned skin. So smooth to the touch. Perhaps… maybe… it has been worthwhile. I didn't lose you in regret. I see the most handsome black hair in front of your eyes. To see your helpless body, it wasn't in vain. I _do_ love you.

To love and lose.

--

**Probably a little confusing. O.o I don't think it's great. It's certainly something I've never written before. So, yeah… I apologize.**


End file.
